Playing in the leaves

It is funny how something so simple as playing in the fall leaves can be so profound to me. Last night after dinner we went out to play in the huge amount of leaves we have in the front yard. It was a huge hit for the entire family! I stayed in the background taking pictures of course and it was so amazing watching my kids and hubby have so much fun together. (See facebook for pictures) It was just pure joy on their faces while they threw the leaves in the air, and buried themselves. Part way into the fun I stopped and realized how happy I was. Happy to have such a beautiful family, to be healthy enough to play with them, to live somewhere that has fall leaves etc.
So that just leads into my main point. I AM HAPPY! I was really scared to go off my meds but it was something that I had wanted to do for a while. I had to be at the right point in my life to try it. Any time in the past few years, if I had gone off my meds, I know it wouldn't have worked. That is because I didn't have any of the tools I have now to deal with my depression and stress. I hadn't accepted the fact that exercise could be such a huge mood lifter, even though my wonderful hubby told me many times! It was one of those things I had to learn on my own. I started learning that when my amazing friend took me to yoga for the first time and it has just blossomed from there. I have learned that taking care of myself is so important to being happy and it is OK to take time alone each day. I used to think it was selfish of me to take alone time away from my family but I have learned that I am a much better wife and mother by having alone time. I have learned that it is ok to talk about my feelings. Keeping them inside for so long only made me worse. It made me more depressed with myself and angry with other people. I have had so many crying sessions with a good friend, my hubby and therapist. And I felt better after! Like having a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. And by talking I have learned that I am not the only person feeling like this. People are just afraid to talk about it. That reminds me of something I recently heard. Recently my church had a woman's conference, I guess you could call it. The leaders of our faith spoke specifically to the women and there was one talk in particicuar that was amazing. It was given by one of our leaders, President Uchtdorf. He said, 

"I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.

Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does."

This is so true!! I have been working really hard on learning to love myself and just accept who I am. This doesn't mean that I am not trying to be better. I am just learning to be ok with myself in the process. Does that make sense? Anyways, I am just really thankful that this has been working for me. 

If you want to read the entire talk I took that quote from, click here.

So I have been going through a lot of changes that will hopefully be for the better. Talking to both my doctor and my therapist we came to the conclusion that my depression is most likely due to a hormonal imbalance that started with my first pregnancy. Before that I never had problems, but since then I have. I guess sometimes if you stay on medication and don't need it, then it can cause depression like symptoms. Does that make any sense? So since I have been learning such great tools to help me be a happier person, exercise being the most important, we decided to try to get off the meds and let my body start balancing out hormones and get back to normal. Well the first few days were HORRIBLE. I didn't pick the best time to start so that was my fault. I had company staying with me, Dave was gone at drill and I was on my period. Yeah bad timing! While trying to adjust I was very irritable and emotional. I also felt sick and lightheaded a lot. But after those first few days I have been feeling a lot better. I have to keep up on taking care of myself or I go back to feeling bad. But I have learned lots of things to help myself. Like I said before, I have to exercise just about everyday. I also have learned to be more patient with myself. I am not perfect but neither is anyone else, so I have to stop comparing myself. Positive thinking like that really helps. Since going off my medication I have noticed health things that used to bother me have gone away or gotten better, apparently they were side affects. I am not having as many headaches for one, and lets just say I like spending a lot more time alone with my hubby. Yeah I just said it, get over it! Anyways I am keep close track of my mood in case this doesn't work, but I am really hoping it will because I want to take more control of my happiness and not just rely on a pill forever. Not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with that, trust me I have been doing it for many years. I, personally, just am at a place were I might not need it anymore.