Makes me feel good

So after General Conference this weekend I posted on facebook about this blog. I had a friend text me and tell me how she has been struggling and read through my blog. She said it helped her to know she wasn't alone and that someone had gotten through this struggle. 

This is EXACTLY the reason I write this blog. I know that not many people read it and even less leave comments (hint hint) but to know that it has helped one person gives me so much joy. 

So for those out there that struggle with depression, what is something that has helped you? Let's share ideas and help each other out!!

Time can heal so much

*Disclaimer-Please know that I do not write anything on this blog for attention. I write it because I know there are so many others out there struggling silently as I have done. If it wasn't for a blog just like this I would never have had the courage to reach out for help when I needed it. I put out my thoughts and feelings so that maybe there will be one person that doesn't feel so alone.

Cooler weather, the leaves changing color and falling, hot chocolate.....all sure signs that fall is here.

While sitting out on my porch yesterday the realization came to me that it is already fall, a time that I have been dreading for a while now. Fall means serious change and upcoming trials. But for me it also was a reminder of my struggles last fall and how far I have some since then. I am sure everyone has heard the phrase that time heals all wounds right? It is hard to see the truth in that when you are in the midst of that trial. It feels like you will never come out of it to see the light. But then later, you look back and cannot realize how far you have come.

http://lifedesigncraft.blogspot.com/2011/12/scripture-art-d-1217-8.html

Some of these trials happen not matter what and we have no way to control them. And there are others that come from our own stupid mistakes and decisions. That is one for sure thing in life, that there will be consequences to our choices and actions, good or bad, and we have to live with them. I strongly believe that all of our trials happen for a reason. We grow and become a stronger person. God doesn't give us trials to punish us, it is because He loves us. A lot of my struggles in the past have been from depression, not something that I asked for but live with daily. But there have also been many lately that come from my choices in life. Last fall, as I have mentioned before on HERE, I went through a really rough patch. I felt very lost and sank into a deep depression. I was loosing sight of my goals in life, my faith, what made me happy and so much more. I made a lot of wrong choices, pulled away from the people I love, and started hurting myself, literally. I was drowning and couldn't see a way out. The hardest part is that I couldn't bring myself to show it to anyone, I put on the "everything is ok" mask all the time. Finally, at my deepest point, I finally saw my life as the wreck it was. I felt the Lord calling out to me and trying to comfort and lift me up. Through A TON of work, heartache, prayer, etc., I started getting back on track. I went back to the basics and realized that the life I had was the life I always wanted, I just lost track. I had been messing it up with this image in my head of what I thought my life "should" look like. I was comparing myself to everyone else and not loving myself. I felt like I had to fit into this perfect mold and I took it really personally if someone didn't like me.

Fast forward to now. I am not perfect, no where near it. But guess what? I DON'T CARE!! My house gets messy, there are usually piles of laundry to be done, and we often eat cereal for dinner. But I am so happy. My kids are happy and healthy, I have an amazing husband who loves and supports me, and I have the gospel. Without my faith, there is no way I would have gotten through this. It has strengthened me in ways I cannot imagine and there are times I feel like I am going to burst if I don't share it with someone. I have a close friend who at the beginning of her religious journey and I feel it to be such a blessing to share it with her. We often enjoy discussing what we have each learned that week at church or encourage each other when struggling. Even though I have always had a strong testimony of my LDS religion (Click here to learn more), this year has been a great journey for me to strengthen that. Without this faith I am not sure how I would survive our new "adventure" that our family is about to undergo. (If you don't know what I am talking about email me). I see the clock counting down and I am nervous for sure, but I know I will make it through it. There will be really hard days, but I think I am finally at a point in my life that I can bounce back and not crack like I have done in the past.

All this just proves that time does heal all wounds, but you have to put in your own effort. I cannot sit on the couch and expect my life to get better. Someone dear to me once said, "yes the grass looks greener on the other side, but you have stopped to water your own?" This simple statement changed my life so much and I am grateful for it. All of us struggle from time to time. Just because I am ok right now doesn't mean it will always be that way. And if you are are struggling, remember that it won't last forever. There may be times where it feels like it will but I promise it will pass. Have faith.

Marriage Retreat

This past weekend Dave and I attended one of the marriage retreats put on by the Guard. This is our 3rd one and I just love them. Basically they pay for your hotel for the weekend, during the day you go to little marriage classes and then you go play at night. Love it! There are different seminars and this was our second time going to the Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage by Mark Gungor. Click on the name to visit his web site. He is a Christian pastor and is great! He has such great advise for married couples and spends a long time explain how men and women think differently. So many times these differences cause problems in our marriages but if we understand each other better, we can avoid a lot of these problems. Here are a few random things that stood out to me:

• Men cannot multi-task well, make sure he is listening to you when talking, don't try to talk while he is doing something else
• For most women, the key to sex is through heart-so be nice to the girl!
• Need to balance give and take in relationship
• Don't get messed up by Hollywood's version of love and romance
• Don't get upset if you need to ask a man more than once for things, it is how their brain works
• 1.Ask more than once
• 2. Ask him in the right way-don't insult
• 3. Train him with positive reinforcement-appreciate what he does
• 4. Barter with him
• Men find confidence attractive-take his compliments
• Assume the best of each other
• Don't set spouse up for failure
• Give her unexpected kindness
• Avoid  bitterness and resentment
• Keep "reset" button handy-be quick to forgive (If you are still talking about it, you haven't forgiven them)
• 4 steps to ruin your marriage:
• 1. Withdraw-pulling away from each other when upset, not having important conversations
• 2. Invalidation- putting down throughts or feelings of partner
• 3. escalation-start talking and get more and more upset, make things worse than they are
• 4. Negative interpretation- thinking the worst of each other 
• Take turns talking, make sure you clarify what other person is saying, If needed take 24-48 hr break from conversation then come back. 

These are just some of the notes I took and they might not make sense to you. Let me know if you want clarification. I believe he might have videos on You Tube or you can buy stuff from his sight. Most importantly, just take the time to take care of your marriage. A lot of marriage don't work out because one or both spouses just aren't trying anymore. The grass is greenest where you WATER it. 

Working out..it's good for the soul!

So I am trying to use this blog more for an outlet for my feelings and not on my family blog, don't want to scare too many people. At least if you come to this blog you kinda know what it is all about. (If not look to the right side of the page...) I have moved several posts over here from my other blog so feel free to scroll down after this one and catch up.

Anyways all my life I have wanted to be in better shape. Back in high school I would mention to friends that I wanted to start working out and I would always get the same response, "are you kidding me? you are already skinny you don't need to work out!". Which yes, I was blessed to be very skinny back then but it wasn't just about loosing weight. It was to be a healthier, happier person. So after a while that got stuck in my head and I thought of working out only for really overweight people or body builders. As mentioned in a previous post, in the past year I have finally come to see working out as something for the mind and body. At this point in my life I am also trying really hard to get rid of baby fat but it is more 50/50. I do it to loose weight but also to be happy. I feel so much less stress and sadness when I have been to the gym. Not that everything in the world is ok, but my little corner is a little easier to handle. It is amazing how good it feels to push your body to the limit and feel those great endorphines running through me. I can just tune out all my problems for a little while and focus on this amazing body the Lord has given me and make the most out of it.

I was teaching my group of girls from church the other day the importance of taking care of our bodies. I compared our bodies to a car. You wouldn't think it was ok to never take care of your car and then complain when it didn't work well right? If you want something to work the way it was intended, you need to take care of it!

I can say without a doubt that I am currently in the best shape and the happiest I have been in my life. Will it always be this way? Probably not. But I have come so far and know how to deal with things so much better than in the past. When I get down, I don't hold things in any more but talk to someone close. I also don't turn to junk food to sooth my feelings, working out it much better! I know without a doubt that my family and my church are the two things that make me the happiest. There have been times in the recent past where I have lost sight of that and turned to things that only provide temporary happiness. I am so much stronger now, after coming through those trials and will not make those mistakes again. Funny how when you almost loose the things most important to you is when you really see how important they were.

Anyways, this turned out more rambling then I meant, but I hope to maybe inspire one person out there to turn towards working out to help themselves. Not that other things don't work, but this works so well too! And no excuses that you are a busy mom! There is always a way to fit some working out in, and it is so important to take care of your self before others. Take care!

Comparisons

Originally posted on family blog, 1/2/13
".....We spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does." -President Uchdorf Click HERE to read the entire talk. 

This quote has stayed with me since I heard it a while back. I find it really hard to not compare myself to those around me. It has gotten much worse for me since living in Utah. Living around so many stay at home Mormon moms tends to mess me up. Don't get me wrong, I do love where I live but it can be hard at times. Living in California I wasn't as "common". I could be me without worrying so much about those around me. Now I find myself looking at all those around me and comparing myself. I feel like I am not a great mom if I am not doing everything my neighbors and friends are for their kids, if I haven't run a marathon I am out of shape and fat, if my front yard isn't perfect it means we are lazy and so on. Problem is most of this tends to be in my head and not what people actually think..... I hope! 

Since hearing this quote I have been trying so hard to stop comparing myself with others so much. For example, for a long time I have tried to make myself into a runner. Everyone up here runs and I know many women who have run marathons. So for a while I thought in order to fit in I needed to be a runner, even though I hate it. I have actually done three 5K races, the first I was barely recovered from a horrible flu so I walked most of it, the second was great, I felt very accomplished and proud of myself and the last was the Color Run so purely for the fun of it. So after having done these I decided that while I loved feeling accomplished I can get that feeling from something I really enjoy and I don't need to feel bad if I don't enjoy running. I still exercise a ton but just not running. 

Another example is comparing myself to moms of much older children. I am pretty much the youngest mom in my ward and I tend to compare what I am doing to moms whose kids are teenagers. Of course they have more time to get things done then me with my three young kids. Of course their house is going to look pretty and not have crayon on the walls and toys on the floor. But for so long I have felt like I need to keep up with them. I am learning to give myself a break. Not completely let things go and live like a slob but just understand that now is not the time to have a perfect house. I don't have the time, money or energy! I would much rather spend time playing with the kids then be stressing about scrubbing baseboards. 

We all have things we are good at and things we struggle with. It doesn't mean we are any less of a person if we cannot do everything that others do. Some people are crafty, some are super fit, some are great cooks etc. Let's all try to be happy with who we are and not judge or compare! 

30 Second Dance Party

Originally posted on family blog, 12/13/12

I have been unhappy for a long time. Major depression kind of sadness, for years. Like I said in a previous post I have always waited for the next thing to come along to make me happy; marriage, kids, friends who actually stick around etc. And then I would find myself unhappy all over again. And then I tried covering it up with medication. Don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer in medication, it can help many people. But I hated who I was on the medication. I felt like an emotionless zombie. Not happy, not sad, not anything. And I wasn't really addressing what was making me unhappy or taking the steps to make it better.

About a year ago I went off my meds to try and help myself naturally. It was amazing how different I felt, like a different person. Still battling depression but I was actually able to feel. I had other people telling me they could tell a difference. It was hard, one minute I was fine and the next I was crying. But at least it was something! My sister told me this past spring that it was the first time in a long time I seemed like myself. I started working out and trying to take care of myself. Yoga was a big one for sure, and not feeling guilty about a girls night here and there. I was starting to feel happy! But somewhere along the line I started putting the wrong things first. I was taking care of my self physically but not spiritually which is so important. I started thinking worldly things would make me happy. Getting a job, traveling, and other things I won't mention. And as I started turning towards these things, I became more unhappy then I have been in my life. I wasn't being grateful and enjoying the amazing life I had. I was always wanting more and things that would provide happiness for a moment but not lasting. It wasn't until recently when my life kinda of imploded due to some of these things that I realized what I really wanted. I went over a lot of this in a recent post so I won't get too into it.

In the past weeks I had many times where I wondered if I could ever be happy again and fix my life. Could I get back to the things that make me happy forever? It has been a hard road recently but I have been putting things back together. And it is amazing to find that is the things that I was pulling away from that have made me so happy. The gospel, the scriptures, prayer, family. All the things that I fought so hard to have when I was a teenager. I knew back then what I wanted but recently lost sight of.

Then tonight I was making dinner and listening to some music. Before I knew it I was singing and dancing in the kitchen. I stopped suddenly because it kinda shocked me. When did I get so happy that I could enjoy cooking dinner like this? I laughed at myself and kept going, it was my 30 second dance party! Anyone get that reference?? Yes, not everyday is going to be like this and I know depression is probably going to be something I will always battle. But I am so grateful that I am learning how to handle it. I am learning things to really help and not just cover it up. I am also grateful for the amazing friends I have who can tell when something is wrong and don't wait for me to call. (Gummy bear girl...)  I am grateful that I am figuring these things out now so I have the next year to get really strong before things get hard. I am grateful for the atonement which gives me the chance to repent of my mistakes, even huge ones, and start over again.

So when you are feeling horrible, like life is beating you down...have a 30 second dance party! It helps, I promise!!!

I’ll Stay with the Sheep

Originally posted on family blog, 12-12-12

I came across this article in this month's Ensign (church magazine), and it fit perfectly with my last post. It was definitely what I needed to hear right now, enjoy. 

I’ll Stay with the Sheep

BY SHERALEE BILLS HARDY

---

A few years ago in December, I took my four young sons to watch the dress rehearsal for our stake’s production of Savior of the World: His Birth. The evening’s performance culminated three intense months for our family: my husband was portraying Joseph, and during the past several weeks of rehearsals, we had missed him.

Many times during those weeks of preparation, I had envied my husband’s role. A starring role seemed so much more exciting and important than a behind-the-scenes babysitter. I wasn’t proud of my feelings. I wanted to support my husband serenely, to bear with cheerfulness and patience the demands on his time. I knew many others who bore heavier burdens routinely—not for a matter of months, but for years. I prayed often to overcome my self-pity and my aspiration for a more visible function.

Heavenly Father answered my prayers more abundantly than I expected. Perhaps His sweetest answer of all came that night at the dress rehearsal. At the conclusion of one scene, the shepherds hasten to meet the Messiah. These shepherds have waited their entire lives for their Savior’s arrival, and now they anticipate the unspeakable honor of greeting Him at His birth. But amid the scurry to embark on this journey of a lifetime, one shepherd remains still. His grandson calls out to him, “Grandfather, aren’t you coming?” His answer teaches a great lesson: “I’ll stay with the sheep.”

As I listened to these words at the dress rehearsal, in that moment I felt the love of the Savior encircle me. My supporting role, which had once seemed menial, took on a greater significance. I knew my Heavenly Father wanted me to devote myself to the spirits He had entrusted to my keeping, just like that shepherd who stayed back so others could go see the Babe of Bethlehem. My children needed me at home more than I needed to be the one in a starring role on stage.

I put my sons to bed that night without the applause of an audience, but my heart held all the serenity, cheer, and patience for which I’d prayed. Though vain ambition might whisper, “Sheralee, aren’t you coming?” the Savior of the world had given me the peace to reply, “I’ll stay with the sheep.”