Playing in the leaves

It is funny how something so simple as playing in the fall leaves can be so profound to me. Last night after dinner we went out to play in the huge amount of leaves we have in the front yard. It was a huge hit for the entire family! I stayed in the background taking pictures of course and it was so amazing watching my kids and hubby have so much fun together. (See facebook for pictures) It was just pure joy on their faces while they threw the leaves in the air, and buried themselves. Part way into the fun I stopped and realized how happy I was. Happy to have such a beautiful family, to be healthy enough to play with them, to live somewhere that has fall leaves etc.
So that just leads into my main point. I AM HAPPY! I was really scared to go off my meds but it was something that I had wanted to do for a while. I had to be at the right point in my life to try it. Any time in the past few years, if I had gone off my meds, I know it wouldn't have worked. That is because I didn't have any of the tools I have now to deal with my depression and stress. I hadn't accepted the fact that exercise could be such a huge mood lifter, even though my wonderful hubby told me many times! It was one of those things I had to learn on my own. I started learning that when my amazing friend took me to yoga for the first time and it has just blossomed from there. I have learned that taking care of myself is so important to being happy and it is OK to take time alone each day. I used to think it was selfish of me to take alone time away from my family but I have learned that I am a much better wife and mother by having alone time. I have learned that it is ok to talk about my feelings. Keeping them inside for so long only made me worse. It made me more depressed with myself and angry with other people. I have had so many crying sessions with a good friend, my hubby and therapist. And I felt better after! Like having a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. And by talking I have learned that I am not the only person feeling like this. People are just afraid to talk about it. That reminds me of something I recently heard. Recently my church had a woman's conference, I guess you could call it. The leaders of our faith spoke specifically to the women and there was one talk in particicuar that was amazing. It was given by one of our leaders, President Uchtdorf. He said, 

"I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.

Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does."

This is so true!! I have been working really hard on learning to love myself and just accept who I am. This doesn't mean that I am not trying to be better. I am just learning to be ok with myself in the process. Does that make sense? Anyways, I am just really thankful that this has been working for me. 

If you want to read the entire talk I took that quote from, click here.

So I have been going through a lot of changes that will hopefully be for the better. Talking to both my doctor and my therapist we came to the conclusion that my depression is most likely due to a hormonal imbalance that started with my first pregnancy. Before that I never had problems, but since then I have. I guess sometimes if you stay on medication and don't need it, then it can cause depression like symptoms. Does that make any sense? So since I have been learning such great tools to help me be a happier person, exercise being the most important, we decided to try to get off the meds and let my body start balancing out hormones and get back to normal. Well the first few days were HORRIBLE. I didn't pick the best time to start so that was my fault. I had company staying with me, Dave was gone at drill and I was on my period. Yeah bad timing! While trying to adjust I was very irritable and emotional. I also felt sick and lightheaded a lot. But after those first few days I have been feeling a lot better. I have to keep up on taking care of myself or I go back to feeling bad. But I have learned lots of things to help myself. Like I said before, I have to exercise just about everyday. I also have learned to be more patient with myself. I am not perfect but neither is anyone else, so I have to stop comparing myself. Positive thinking like that really helps. Since going off my medication I have noticed health things that used to bother me have gone away or gotten better, apparently they were side affects. I am not having as many headaches for one, and lets just say I like spending a lot more time alone with my hubby. Yeah I just said it, get over it! Anyways I am keep close track of my mood in case this doesn't work, but I am really hoping it will because I want to take more control of my happiness and not just rely on a pill forever. Not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with that, trust me I have been doing it for many years. I, personally, just am at a place were I might not need it anymore.

Been awhile

I haven't posted in a little while because I have been sick and having a lot of stuff going on. Not that it matters, not sure if anyone but my mom reads this! But I really wanted to document the fact that I am feeling happy today! I mean really really happy! I realized this in the middle of cleaning house, which is a crazy time to feel happy! But I was getting the kids involved and we were really having a good time. Anyways, that's all I wanted to say!

Who am I?

Today during therapy I was trying to figure out the question, "Who am I?" My normal response is that I am a wife and mother. But take away those things and what is left? ...................................


I really couldn't think of what there was after that. Not that those things aren't great, believe me! But I think so many moms, my self included, tend to loose ourselves when we have kids. We get so caught up in taking care of everyone else that we forget about our selves. And not just taking care of ours selves like showering, eating, etc., but also doing things we enjoy. Still keeping up on being our own person. Does that make sense?


What are my likes and dislikes?, what kind of person am I? What are my goals after the kids are grown up?

I don't want to wake up one day, realize the kids are grown up and gone and see that I have no idea who I am and what I want to do.

So one of my goals right now is trying to answer the question of who I am. Lets hope I find something.....

Gotta find a balance

So I have been finding that staying busy helps me to stay in a better mood. The only problem is sometimes I get so busy that I end up exhausted. I enjoy staying home with the kids and just having a lazy day but then sometimes those days turn into depressed days. On the other hand, I don't want to be living out of my car. So my goal right now is staying just busy enough without going over. Things should slow down soon with my church calling so that will help a ton. Anyone have any advice on finding a balance? (If anyone is reading this yet!)

A need for change

Yesterday was a very low point for me. I went through the day feeling empty, like a zombie. Over the past few weeks I have felt more and more like this, it tends to start out small and build up. I was having a hard time feeling much enjoyment in anything, whether it was house work or crafting and everything in between. To be honest I never really enjoy housework, come on, who does? But for me to have to desire to craft, that is a different story. My kids needed me, the house needed me etc. but I just couldn't get myself to do anything. I felt like my head was caught in a fog and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't think clearly. To make things worse, I was feeling very irritable. So as my kids asked me for things, I snapped at them, only making everyone feel worse.
When the hubby came home I begged for some much needed alone time and jumped in the car. And what did I do? Nothing fancy I promise you! I went to Walmart. Yup thats right. I spent my alone time running boring errands. But at least I was ALONE! I looked like a wreak, I promise that! Frizzy hair, no make up, hoodie the works! Then because I eat when I am down, I went to McDonalds. Another great decicion on my part. But it was so good! I sat in the car, ate greasy food, diet coke and snickers! (picked up at Walmart)
Got home and finally opened up to the hubby which was a great help. For some reason I always try to keep my feelings inside, but it does feel so great to get it out when I do. It really helps to have someone who really understands what you are going through. Someone who has been through it also. To me that happens to be one of my best girl friends. I wrote about her in a post on my family blog. She is such a strength to me. It was her who forced me to go talk to my doctor today. She reccognized how bad I was doing yesterday and helped me do what I couldn't do alone. I guess I hadn't quite realized how bad I had gotten, but I see it today and I am working on it. Thanks to the hubby, the friend, the doctor and some new happy pills, I am on the road to feeling better.
Also, I got up and worked out this morning. It was so good! This is another thing that I forget helps me. When I feeling so down, the last thing I want to do is get off the couch and get sweaty. But it makes such a difference! So I am making it a goal to do it every morning. My church offers work out classes every morning for free, yeah!! That will help a ton. Also, they are at a reasonable hour, not the butt crack of dawn!
Before I leave I want to share something my doctor told me today. We were talking about how hard it is for many people to understand depression. He told me he often compares depression to diabetes when explaining it to people. With both, diet and exercise are very important things to getting feeling better. But with both, medication is a very important thing for SOME people. Without it you can die.....