30 Second Dance Party

Originally posted on family blog, 12/13/12

I have been unhappy for a long time. Major depression kind of sadness, for years. Like I said in a previous post I have always waited for the next thing to come along to make me happy; marriage, kids, friends who actually stick around etc. And then I would find myself unhappy all over again. And then I tried covering it up with medication. Don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer in medication, it can help many people. But I hated who I was on the medication. I felt like an emotionless zombie. Not happy, not sad, not anything. And I wasn't really addressing what was making me unhappy or taking the steps to make it better.

About a year ago I went off my meds to try and help myself naturally. It was amazing how different I felt, like a different person. Still battling depression but I was actually able to feel. I had other people telling me they could tell a difference. It was hard, one minute I was fine and the next I was crying. But at least it was something! My sister told me this past spring that it was the first time in a long time I seemed like myself. I started working out and trying to take care of myself. Yoga was a big one for sure, and not feeling guilty about a girls night here and there. I was starting to feel happy! But somewhere along the line I started putting the wrong things first. I was taking care of my self physically but not spiritually which is so important. I started thinking worldly things would make me happy. Getting a job, traveling, and other things I won't mention. And as I started turning towards these things, I became more unhappy then I have been in my life. I wasn't being grateful and enjoying the amazing life I had. I was always wanting more and things that would provide happiness for a moment but not lasting. It wasn't until recently when my life kinda of imploded due to some of these things that I realized what I really wanted. I went over a lot of this in a recent post so I won't get too into it.

In the past weeks I had many times where I wondered if I could ever be happy again and fix my life. Could I get back to the things that make me happy forever? It has been a hard road recently but I have been putting things back together. And it is amazing to find that is the things that I was pulling away from that have made me so happy. The gospel, the scriptures, prayer, family. All the things that I fought so hard to have when I was a teenager. I knew back then what I wanted but recently lost sight of.

Then tonight I was making dinner and listening to some music. Before I knew it I was singing and dancing in the kitchen. I stopped suddenly because it kinda shocked me. When did I get so happy that I could enjoy cooking dinner like this? I laughed at myself and kept going, it was my 30 second dance party! Anyone get that reference?? Yes, not everyday is going to be like this and I know depression is probably going to be something I will always battle. But I am so grateful that I am learning how to handle it. I am learning things to really help and not just cover it up. I am also grateful for the amazing friends I have who can tell when something is wrong and don't wait for me to call. (Gummy bear girl...)  I am grateful that I am figuring these things out now so I have the next year to get really strong before things get hard. I am grateful for the atonement which gives me the chance to repent of my mistakes, even huge ones, and start over again.

So when you are feeling horrible, like life is beating you down...have a 30 second dance party! It helps, I promise!!!